Reevaluation
by Longing for Oblivion
Summary: She had told herself it had been a drunk mistake, a one-time-thing, but when it happens again and again it gets time to re-evaluate. Was it an easy escape? A way to punish herself? Plain self-destruction? And does she actually even wanna know?
1. Just a drunk mistake

_**Discs.:**__ I don't own CSI NY nor its characters!_

_**Summary:**__ She had told herself it had been a drunk mistake, a one-time-thing, but when it happens again and again it gets time to re-evaluate. Was it an easy escape? A way to punish herself? Plain self-destruction? And more important does she actually even wanna know what it was?_

_**Pairings:**__ Stella/Adam, traces of Stella having feelings for Mac_

_**Genres:**__ Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Friendship_

_**Spoilers:**__ Season 4 "Right Next Door, Season 6 "Eilogue" - maybe I'll come up with more at some later point..._

_**A/N:**__ Well, this story was partially inspired by __**ten81CSI'**__s oneshot "My actions" which I just read the other day, though I already thought about writing a story focused on Adam and Stella since I re-watched season four's episode "Right Next Door" earlier that day..._

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**Re-evaluation**

_1. Just a drunk mistake_

After she had helped Mac with tidying up his office, restoring its usual order, Stella was now sitting in her dimly-lit office. Since she already knew that she won't be able to get any sleep that night her original plan had been to get some paperwork done, however, after trying for about an hour to work through one of the files on her desk she had been forced to face the fact that she couldn't focus on anything.

So now she was staring blankly at the screen of her computer, oblivious to the time as well as the fact that her eyes were by now burning because she barely even blinked - and truth been told she had currently simply too much on her mind as that she would care about it that much either.

Unfortunately the downside of her inability to focus on her paperwork was that she couldn't keep running from her troubles anymore, instead they were now slowly creeping into her mind, making it impossible to hide from them any longer.

A part of her couldn't help wishing that there was a case that needed her attention and she immediately felt guilty for that, after all if there was a case there would also be a victim - if not more than just one - and she knew both sides of that, still remembered vividly how it felt to become a victim and especially in the passed month she had also learned just how painful it was to lose someone close.

Loss... That one, single word kept swirling through her head for quite a while, before being eventually replaced by the thought that all of them knew too well the pain that came along with it. Already the passed month had been enough to teach all of them a very thorough lesson on that one...

They had all lost Angell. They had lost more than just a colleague that morning, they had lost a friend, Flack had lost the woman he loved - and they had lost a piece of themselves with her.

And not even twenty-four hours after that they had been _**that **_close to lose Danny too - Danny, who might never walk again. Hell, any single one of them could have been injured or even could've died that night at the bar!

They all still had a tough time coping with what had happened and somehow she doubted that they would ever be able to really leave it behind.

A heavy, frustrated sigh escaped her as that thought led inevitably to thoughts of the other night - something she had tried to push way back in her mind ever since it happened...

Getting overwhelmed by the memories she let out another frustrated sigh, squeezing her eyes tightly shut.

_"It was just a drunk mistake."_ She thought for yet another time as she opened her eyes some time later. That one sentence had become her mantra, a mantra which she kept repeating over and over in her head.

It was still running through her mind as she eventually got up, knowing that she should go home and try to get some sleep.

"Just a stupid, drunk mistake." She muttered barely audible to herself as she headed down to her car.

As she drove away she couldn't help thinking a little more about it, despite the fact that she was trying her best to push all of it aside.

"It was just a stupid, drunk mistake." She told herself as she had to halt at a red stoplight some time later.

"It was just a very stupid, drunk mistake. A meaningless, once-and-never-again, very stupid, drunk mistake."She muttered absentmindedly, not paying attention to where she was driving.

_"Just a drunk mistake I'll never make again." _She tried reassuing herself.

That thought still ran through her mind as she knocked against the door in front of her, not even ten minutes later, and listened to the sound of movement coming from the other side of it.

_"It was just a stupid, drunk mistake. A spontaneous, memorable, amazing, very stupid, drunk mistake..." _She thought as the door opened and a very surprised Adam Ross looked at her.

But when the surprised expression on his face turned into a bright, sheepish grin and he invited her in she couldn't help admitting that it wasn't just a drunk mistake for this time she was stone cold sober as their lips collided and she gripped his shirt.

_Tbc_

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_**A/N:**__ Thanks for reading, I know this chapter was really short, but I hope you liked it nonetheless! Please let me know what ya think and take the time to REVIEW! _


	2. Be My Escape

_**A/N:**__ Well, this update took a while, but I was sortta stuck... Anyway, have fun reading!_

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**Re-evaluation**

_2. Be My Escape_

Waking slowly up from a light slumber Stella sat up and taking a look around she couldn't help but frown due to her less than familiar surroundings. A moment later a heavy sigh escaped her and she let her head hang as her eyes stopped on Adam, who was still deep asleep.

After a few more seconds she let out another sigh then she got up and got quickly dressed, trying to avoid making any noise in the process, not wanting Adam to wake up.

As she stepped out into the hallway a few minutes later and closed the door behind her Stella sighed quietly, before heading down the stairs. Once she had left the apartment building some of the tension she felt faded and she took some deep breaths of the cool fresh air.

On the way to her apartment Stella tried her best to not think too deeply about anything, what was of course easier said than done.

When she stopped the car and turned the engine off Stella released a heavy sigh and got out of the car. Heading quickly up to her apartment she tried focusing on the tasks at hand in order to keep herself from thinking too much about the passed night.

Just as she had finished showering and had gotten dressed she heard her cell phone buzz in her purse. After pulling the cell out of the bag and taking a glance at the display she checked the message she had received and seeing that there was a new case she put it back into the bag and hurried to get ready for work.

_At the crime scene, about twenty-five minutes later:_

As Stella got out of her car and headed into the house of the victim, she couldn't help being somewhat grateful for the distraction, for the fact that she would be able to avoid her paperwork and therefore thinking about her troubles for some more time.

Entering the victim's living-room Stella took a look around and catching sight of Flack she went over to him.

"What do you know so far?" She wanted to know as she had reached him.

"The victim is Dr Stephen Harris, he was 46, his wife and daughter are currently out of town visiting relatives in Boston. Dr Harris was supposed to follow them at the weekend, because he had to work this week." Flack started filling her in.

"And what was he doing for a living?" Stella inquired.

"He owned an abortion clinic." Flack replied.

At that Stella frowned and mused,

"Could be a motive..." She paused for a moment,

"Is there anything that would lead to the assumption that his death could be related to it?"

"Well, there's the brutal proceeding of the killer, but other than that... However, I will ask his wife if he has received any threats or if there were recently any problems at the clinic."

Stella gave a nod then she asked,

"Who found the body?"

"The maid, Lucinda Diaz. She always starts early, because Dr Harris usually came home for lunch and he prefered it when everything was already cleaned by then. She said that when she arrived it seemed odd to her that Dr Harris' briefcase was still in the front hall, but at first she didn't think much about it, considering that he had apparently forgotten it several times when his wife wasn't there to remind him to take it with him. However, when she entered the study to vaccum and empty the trash can she found him and called it in." He paused,

"So far it seems like none of the neighbors saw or heard anything... Either way I'm gonna head to the precinct now and take a look at the phone and financial records."

Stella gave another nod and as Flack went to leave she headed for the study to talk with Hawkes, who was still busy with the first examination of the victim.

Entering the study and taking a look around Stella immediately knew what Flack had meant with brutal proceeding as she caught sight of the body and all the blood. Walking further into the room she inquired,

"Hawkes, what can you tell me?"

At the sound of her voice Hawkes turned slightly to look at Stella and replied,

"Well, I can't tell you yet what exactly killed him, but he most likely bled to death. As for TOD, judging by the liver temperature I estimate he died between ten and twelve the passed night."

Stella nodded slightly and watched how Hawkes focused his attention once again on the body to finish his examination. After watching her colleague for a moment she eventually started processing the scene, deciding that it would be best for her to just focus on doing her job.

_At the lab, two days later, around 10:50 PM:_

Trying to focus on her paperwork Stella let out a heavy sigh, incapable of denying that the Harris case had been quite frustrating. In the end it had turned out that the murder of Stephen Harris was indeed related to his occupation, however, not in the way they had expected...

Throughout the investigation they had assumed that Harris had been killed by someone who was against abortion, but the opposite had been the case. The woman who had killed him had wanted to have an abortion, but Dr Harris hadn't been willing to do it, because the woman had already been too far along.

When they questioned the woman after arresting her she had almost immediately confessed and it had become clear just how much she had hated Dr Stephen Harris. However, the worst thing about the whole investigation was that when Hawkes and Lindsay had been searching for the murder weapon in the woman's apartment they had found the bodies of four infants in her freezer. The autopsies of the bodies had shown that the babies had been born alive and that their mother had strangled them with her bare hands.

Stella shook absentmindedly her head, forcing herself to stop thinking about it and get finally at least some of her paperwork done. However, it didn't take long before she had to face the fact that it was pointless, she just couldn't stay focused for more than a couple of minutes before her mind drifted off again, not only to the Harris case but off to her troubles...

After another while of trying to get her paperwork done she gave up, realizing that she won't get anything done as distracted as she was. Sighing heavily she shut her computer down, put the report she had been working on back onto the pile of files to her left and started packing up.

Once she was done she sighed for another time and left her and Lindsay's office, turning the light off as she stepped out into the dimly lit hallway. Closing the door behind her and turning to walk down the hallway, toward the elevator, Stella stopped as she noticed that Mac was still in his office.

For a moment she considered to head over to him and to try finding out what he was still doing at the lab, and maybe try getting him to call it a day as well. But eventually she decided against it, knowing that Mac would only avoid any conversation and make up a reason for having to stay at the lab, like he had the entire last time. Well, she knew Mac, she knew that burying himself in work was his response when something was seriously bothering him and she could tell that Angell's death and the shooting at the bar had taken quite a toll on him, so it wasn't too surprising that he retreated behind his walls. But usually when something was bugging him he was willing to at least talk with her about it, this time, however, he was shutting himself even off from her and that fact was frustrating her more and more.

Shaking slightly her head she sighed, pushing those thoughts aside, before she turned around and went into the opposite direction, toward the elevator. Stopping in front of it she quickly pressed the button to get the elevator to the 35th floor and waited impatiently, her mind drifting off again. However, only a moment later a soft _'ding'_ disrupted her train of thought and she got quickly into the elevator, pressing the button for the underground garage.

Once she had reached the garage she headed absentmindedly to her car. After getting in she sighed and quickly fastened the seat-belt, before turning the engine on and driving away.

As she had reached her destination about twenty minutes later and stopped the car she quickly turned the engine off, but after pulling the key out of the ignition she hesitated to get out of the car and thought for a moment. Eventually releasing a heavy sigh she opened the car door and stepped out onto the street, before she went into the building.

After heading quickly up the stairs to the right floor she stopped in front of one of the doors and knocked. It barely took a minute before the door was opened and Adam stood in front of her. He seemed somewhat startled but certainly not as surprised as the other night.

"Uh, am I disturbing you?" Stella asked after a short moment of silence, giving him a questioning glance.

"Eh, no, not at all... Come in." Adam said with a smile and stepped aside to let her into his apartment.

Stopping after a couple of steps Stella turned around, watching how Adam closed the door and walked up to her. Once he had reached her she stepped closer and they shared a passionate kiss.

_Around 2:30 AM:_

Eyes closed Stella just listened for a short while to the soft and even sound of Adam's breathing, being glad that he was deep asleep and she could avoid talking about it for some more time. However, after a few minutes she opened her eyes. Staring at the ceiling she let out a sigh but didn't get up considering that she found Adam's company too comforting as to already go.

After some time a partly thoughtful, partly sad expression appeared on her face as her mind drifted off to Mac, who was probably still at the lab, sitting in his office and working through paperwork. Thinking about it a bit more she came to the conclusion that his behavior was more than just frustrating for her - it hurt like hell that he was shutting her out like that. For a moment her words were echoing through her mind, _You're not in this alone, Mac..._

They had all been severely affected by what had happened, all of them had a hard time coping from it, yet Mac acted like he was the only one dealing with the fallout of what had happened, like he was carrying the weight of the whole world upon his shoulder.

But could she really blame him for shutting himself off from everyone after what had happened? After all who was she to blame him for needing something to escape the pain of Angell's death, the shock of the shooting at the bar - the worry about Danny?

They all had some sort of escape. Lindsay and Danny found ease spending time with Lucy, Flack distracted himself with flirting and, well, Mac was burying himself in work.

A moment later her mind was brought back to the present as Adam shifted next to her and put one of his arms loosely around her waist, drawing her slightly closer. Resting her head on his chest she closed her eyes, listening to the calm and steady beat of his heart a tiny smile crossed her face as she drifted off to sleep.

This was her escape...

_Tbc_

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_**A/N:**__ Thanks for reading! I hope you liked the chapter and that it was worth the long waiting. Please take the time to REVIEW!_


	3. A bad idea

_**A/N:**__ Here's the new chapter, sorry that it took so long... The devided part written in italics is a poem called "Gin" by DearSweetPapercut. Enjoy reading!_

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**Re-evaluation**

_3. A bad idea_

Stella released a heavy, exhausted sigh as she stepped out of the elevator at the underground parking-lot of the lab and headed to her car. They had just closed a rather tough case after working on it for almost a week and now all she wanted was to get it out of her mind so when her colleagues had suggested to head out for drinks she had been more than happy to agree to tag along.

As she arrived at the bar and headed inside she let out an involuntary sigh as she noticed Adam sitting at a table along with Mac, Hawkes, Lindsay and Flack. For a moment she considered turning around and leaving to avoid any awkwardness between her and the labtech, which might lead to the others getting suspicious, but after another moment of consideration she just took a deep breath and continued over to the table where her colleagues sat.

Hearing her approach Mac and Hawkes, who had their backs to her, turned slightly, while Lindsay and Adam looked up and glanced at her. As her colleagues looked at her Stella put on a smile, trying to push her thoughts aside.

_Some time later:_

Before long Lindsay had left to get home to Danny and Lucy. By that time Flack had already moved over to the bar where he soon started flirting with a young blond and not much later he left with the woman. Only a half hour or so later first Mac left and then, a couple of minutes later, Hawkes left as well, leaving Stella alone with Adam.

Adam smiled slightly at her and after a moment she hesitantly returned the smile. Now that they were alone, only surrounded by strangers, Stella felt the awkwardness creep slowly back, causing her to start feeling more and more on edge.

After another while Stella came to the conclusion it would be better if she left and headed home to get some sleep, before she could do something stupid. This just felt too familiar...

As she moved to get up Adam frowned slightly and she told him,

"I should better go now."

Still a small frown on his face Adam replied,

"Why don't you stay for another drink?" He smiled at her.

_Just one more  
You say  
With a smile  
So charming  
_

Stella was about to argue that it was already late and that she needed to catch up on sleep after all the work in the past days - though naturally she won't tell him the main reason for her decision to leave - but as she met his gaze she hesitated. There was something in his smile, in the way he looked at her...

His smile was sweet and charming, his gaze encouraging as he said,

"Just one more drink, after all, what do you have to lose?"

_What have I got to loose  
You ask me_

Many things  
I think

Stella thought about all the reasons why she had decided to go - the fact that this felt too much like déjà-vu, that she didn't want to do something she would regret later, that things between her and Adam were already more than complicated enough... But she didn't speak any of those concerns out aloud.

_But_

I keep it to myself

When Stella remained silent Adam's smile widened and he signalled one of the waitresses to come over. Once she had reached them he ordered drinks for him and Stella, while Stella settled back in her seat.

As their drinks arrived Adam lifted his glass and smiling at her he said,

"Cheers." Before taking a sip of his drink.

After a moment of hesitation Stella smiled slightly back and raising her own glass she replied,

"Cheers." As she took a swig of her drink she tried to suppress her concerns and relax. After all, it would be just one drink...

_I take the glass in hand  
Toast to being carefree  
Oh how I've lied  
_

However, one drink turned into two, and two into three, and eventually she stopped counting the drinks she and Adam had. And with every drink she had she relaxed a little more, the awkwardness she felt fading slowly as her mind started getting slightly clouded due to the alcohol, and after a while they started an avid conversation.

_I'm waiting  
I'm ready  
For the dizziness to set in_

Just one drink too much

Stella wasn't sure how much time had past - or how many drinks they'd had - when she almost fell off her chair, causing both her and Adam to laugh. After calming down and becoming serious again Adam smirked and pointed out,

"I guess, it's getting time to get outta here, before we're too drunk to walk on our own." His words sounded slightly slurred.

They chuckled slightly and nodding Stella agreed,

"Yeah, we should..." She trailed off, watching as Adam motioned for one of the waitresses to come over and paid their drinks.

A moment later they got up and went to leave. Noticing that Stella had trouble staying on her feet Adam put an arm around her waist to steady her.

_You take me by the arm  
Help me out  
Share a taxi home_

Once outside Adam took a look around in search for a cab, but they couldn't see any. As they waited Adam kept his arm around her. Neither of them said a word.

Stella once again lost slightly track of time and wasn't quite sure how much time had past when a taxi showed up. Seeing that it was free Adam quickly raised his right hand, his left arm still wrapped around Stella, and signalled for the cab to stop.

After it had stopped Adam stepped to the curb and, opening the car-door he said,

"Let's share the ride."

Stella frowned slightly and pointed out,

"Adam, we live in totally different directions..."

"But it's already late and who knows when another cab will show up here." Adam replied seriously.

Unable to argue with his logic Stella nodded and complied without another word as Adam motioned for her to get into the cab first. After Stella had gotten in Adam followed suit. Closing the car-door behind him he told the cabbie his address.

You throw me lines  
I catch them awkwardly  
With a smile

For a while they both remained silent. Stella could feel Adam's gaze on her as she herself was looking out of the window beside her, but she didn't complain.

After some time Adam broke the silence and muttered,

"It's unbelievable how someone could not see what a great woman you are."

At that Stella turned to look at him, somewhat startled, but before she could say anything in response he continued,

"After all, you look amazing, you're intelligent, nice, caring..."

While listening to Adam Stella felt a trace of the awkwardness return, but instead of saying anything she only smiled politely, deciding to just let him keep talking and hoping he would have forgotten what he said by tomorrow.

_This was a bad idea  
I knew it before  
The first drink_

But your smile was too much

Still telling her about all the things that made her in his opinion an amazing, wonderful woman Adam lifted a hand to her face, caressing her cheek. After another minute or two he went silent, just looking at her and continuing to let his fingertips brush over her left cheek. A moment later he leaned closer and kissed her tenderly.

Stella didn't react at first, unsure what to do, though a part of her registered that this was precisely why she had wanted to leave after the others had left - to avoid making the same mistake again. She had known it was a bad idea to agree when Adam had asked her to stay for another drink, because it had been bound to lead to something like this happening. And even though she had known this before she had agreed to stay she had not just ignored it with every drink they had shared but had ignored it again when Adam had suggested to share the taxi ride.

However, despite being aware of all those things and knowing in the back of her mind that she would regret this when she woke up Stella started after another moment of hesitation to kiss him back.

_You pull me in  
In the already small space_

I can feel you  
Your warmth  
The feeling of your suit  
Your jaw  
This was what I had to loose  
But as you pull me by the hand  
To a home that is not mine

I don't say a word

As the cab stopped some time later Adam pulled away from her, smiling at her, and after opening the car-door he turned back toward her, reaching for her hand, his eyes asking her to come with him as he got out of the cab.

Stella hesitated for a moment but then gave in and followed him out of the taxi. Smiling Adam paid the cabbie, before putting one of his arms around her waist and leading her to the entrance of the apartment-building where he lived.

Once they had entered his apartment and he had closed the door behind them Adam drew her close again, their lips colliding in a passionate kiss. Winding his right hand into her hair he drew her closer, deepening the kiss further, while Stella let her hands slip beneath his shirt and roam over his chest.

Breaking the kiss in need of oxygen they shared a smile before their lips met in another hungry kiss. As he started leading her to his bedroom they started undressing each other.

_The brightness of the morning  
Is like a spot light asking me  
To confess  
To explain_

And I can't

Waking up and opening her eyes Stella let out a low groan, squeezing her eyes shut again, as the bright sunshine flooding through the window into the room caused a throbbing headache to explode in her head. As she opened her eyes again a minute or two later, much slower and more careful this time, she couldn't help but sigh as she saw Adam lying next to her and recognized her surroundings as his bedroom. Remembering the events of the night she cursed internally, knowing that this won't help against the awkwardness she felt when working with Adam.

After another moment she sighed once more and shaking slightly her head in resignation she got quietly up and went to get ready to leave.

_Just one drink too many_

_Tbc_

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_**A/N:**__ Thanks for reading! I hope you liked the update and that it was worth the waiting. I'm not entirely sure when I will be able to post the next chapter but I will try to update soon. In the meantime please do me a favor and let me know what ya think._


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